Divorce Dula-The Role I Never Wanted (and still don't)

When I got divorced, there were things that I was expecting but LOTS of things I wasn't expecting. I could write a novel on the whole experience. But one thing that sticks out in particular is how unprepared I was for the number of married individuals who would reach out and ask me for support. They would ask "how did you know it was time?" "did you use an attorney?" and most often "how did you set up a new life on your own?" A friend recently said "You are kind of like a divorce dula, we need those!"

I won't share details or even raw emotions about my divorce. Every person's situation is unique and although our marriage has ended, I still retain a strong co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband and I want to respect his privacy since this is as much his story as it is mine.

But I will share some unsolicited advice or learnings. Not all of this is what I personally did, but I have met and engaged with a lot of individuals who are divorced and collectively, I share our learnings.

You Don't Have to Have It All Figured Out

One of the biggest misconceptions about divorce is that there is a clear path.

There isn't.

There isn't a checklist that tells you when you're ready.

There isn't a moment where you suddenly wake up with complete confidence that you're making the right decision.

Most people I've talked to describe it as a season of uncertainty. They wrestle with questions for months—or even years. They go back and forth. They weigh the impact on children, finances, family, faith, friendships, and the future they had imagined.

If you're asking yourself difficult questions, don't feel pressured to answer them immediately.

Instead, become curious.

What is making you ask these questions?

What has changed?

What have you been carrying alone?

Sometimes the first step isn't making a decision.

Sometimes it's simply allowing yourself to acknowledge what you've been feeling.

That takes tremendous courage.

Build Your Team Before You Need It

If there is one piece of advice I consistently share, it's this:

Don't walk through divorce alone, or even the thought of divorce.

People often focus on hiring an attorney, but there are many other people who can become part of your support team.

A trusted therapist.

A financial advisor.

A close friend who can simply listen without trying to fix everything.

A family member who will remind you who you are when you begin to lose sight of yourself.

For some, that support also includes clergy, a physician, a support group, or a coach.

No one person can meet every need.

The goal isn't to build a team that tells you what to do.

It's to build a team that helps you think clearly while you're making some of the biggest decisions of your life.

There Is More Than One Kind of Grief

One of the things that surprised me most was realizing that divorce isn't just the loss of a relationship.

It's the loss of an imagined future.

You may grieve:

• The traditions you thought you'd continue.

• The retirement you pictured.

• Family vacations.

• Shared friendships.

• Everyday routines.

• The identity of being someone's spouse.

• Even the version of yourself you thought you would become.

And here's what I've learned:

You can know divorce is the right decision and still grieve deeply.

Those two truths can exist together.

There are no grief Olympics.

Pain isn't measured by whether someone died or whether you chose to leave.

Grief is simply the human response to losing something that mattered.

Give Yourself Permission to Become

Eventually, many people asked me another question:

"How did you build a new life?"

The honest answer?

I didn't build it all at once.

I built it one decision at a time.

One room.

One routine.

One friendship.

One holiday.

One unexpected moment of laughter.

One difficult conversation.

One new tradition.

Slowly, almost without noticing, I stopped trying to recreate the life I had lost and started creating a life that fit the person I was becoming.

I don't think healing is about getting back to who we were before.

I think healing is learning to trust that life can still hold purpose, connection, joy, and meaning—even if it looks completely different than we once imagined.

Maybe That's What a Divorce Doula Really Is

I've thought about my friend's comment many times.

"A divorce doula."

At first, I laughed.

But the more I reflected on it, the more it made sense.

A doula doesn't make the decisions for someone else.

They don't remove the pain.

They don't rush the process.

They simply walk alongside someone during one of life's biggest transitions.

Maybe that's what so many of us need—not just during divorce, but during any major life transition.

Someone who reminds us that uncertainty is normal.

Someone who creates space for hard conversations.

Someone who offers hope without minimizing the difficulty of the journey.

Because divorce isn't simply the ending of a marriage.

Like every significant transition in life, it is also the beginning of becoming someone new.

And while none of us would choose many of the transitions we experience, we can choose how we walk through them—and who walks beside us.